Discipleship

“To be a disciple of Jesus is to allow one’s self to be loved.” — Henri J.M. Nouwen

This simple expression touches my heart. I’ve been curious about the concept of discipleship. It has the same Latin root as the word discipline, something I’ve always abhorred — connecting it with coercion, control and judgement. Indeed, the first definition in Merriam-Webster is “control that is gained by requiring that rules or orders be obeyed and punishing bad behavior”.

And yet to be a disciple, a follower of the teachings of Jesus attracts me. This is not about seeking some promised afterlife — an oppressive, controlling interpretation of “the Kingdom of God” — but knowing how to live honorably, right now. Jesus came to establish “the Kingdom of God on earth”, to encourage a world where all are worthy, where love drives out hate, where service, understanding and compassion reign over selfishness, judgment and self-interest. For me, to become a disciple means to somehow embrace, or enter the spirit of Jesus’ teachings. I have little idea how to do that, but Nouwen’s take on discipleship opens a door.

To be a disciple — a pupil, a learner, a follower — surely requires some discipline, but Nouwen’s expression shows that this is not the discipline of arbitrary rules or the blind obedience to a leader or prophet, rather it is the discipline of surrender, the discipline of release. This is beautiful, and at the same time deeply paradoxical. Surely releasing, letting go takes no effort? And yet it does. We are so bound up in the bondage of self, so fearful, so in need to stay in control that the act of releasing has become an anathema to us, something to greatly fear as it casts us into unknown, unsafe territory.

Nouwen doesn’t suggest we learn how to love. To love is still to maintain control — I choose how I love another. No, he asks us to “allow oneself to be loved”. This is an unfamiliar, even scary concept. I have no control over who loves me or how they love me. It is a great unknown. It means I am being asked to surrender with no idea of what I am surrendering to. This takes great discipline, and great trust. I know I am not fully capable of this, always trying to hold on, to maintain control of another’s feelings, to demand more, or to dismiss when overwhelmed.

The road to discipleship is not about conformance, subordination, obedience or compliance, and maybe not even about following. It is simply about relinquishment. I’m learning to allow myself to be loved by God — to great freedom. That’s the easier part. To be fully present I need to now learn how to relinquish to the love of others, an act that requires much greater vulnerability.